bri_mx’s Neighborhood

Stupid...stupid...stupid. Grrrr! I can be so stupid sometimes. I say don't get your hopes up over and over in my head and then I still manage to. I was really looking forward to this date. I asked friends advice on makeup looks and I shopped for a new top. All day I was counting down the hours until we would meet.

Danny text messaged me at 6:00pm when his shift was suppose to end and told me he was sorry but he couldn't meet up tonight. His shift was extended by 5 hours more. We exchanged text messages over the next 2 hours when his last message at 8pm to me was "Hey I'm off!", which was a 3 hour change of plans now. But that was it. He was off but he didn't say, maybe we can still meet up. Nothing. I'm disappointed. I wish he had better communication and at least told me something else like he was too tired now etc. Even last night he told me he was going to bed. I got nothing tonight.

I'm not gonna flip out or write him off. Life happens. I understand that he had to work late. So be it.

3 days ago I got suckered into renewing my yahoo personals membership over a wink message I had received. The man (Jay) lives in Sacramento which is still quite a distance from me. But he was cute and had a wonderful smile. So I signed up and we played email tag for a day. Then the next day it lead to cell phone texting. (He doesn't have a computer at home). Yes, I am dead serious. This was already going to put a damper on any sort of relationship.
by the third day it had escalated to text messaging and picture sending. On the fourth day, today, it was completely cold. He send me a message at 1 am saying "Goodnight. Maybe we we'll cross paths one day". What the heck kind of message is that. This guy is a weenie! Grow some why don't you. Be more aggressive with me dammit!

In all seriousness I am ok with letting that fish slip away BECAUSE today I logged into Yahoo personals to check on my now newly paid membership and saw I had received a message. It was from a man's profile I had browsed last night. I thought he was adorable. Truly I did, but I didn't contact him because I saw that he was looking for an athletic female. I am not athletic framed. I'm still working on it but not there yet. So I messaged him back and we played cell texting all night. At least he was a bit more aggressive by asking if I wanted to meet tonight. I told him I was unable to since my parents are visiting but I asked about Saturday evening. He said sure. So, we have a date Saturday night (tonight).

You know the usual. I hate to get excited because I am always let down. I can't help but get a little giddy when I think about him (Danny). He's adorable. Just the type I love! He's 30 yrs old, 6'0", athletic, hazel eyes, brown hair. He's compassionate about people and he works in the medical field.

I don't believe in astrological signs and all that crap but it seems that I am majorly attracted to Libras. He is a Libra.

Also 2 nights ago when I was browsing the yahoo profiles that matched my criteria I recognized a photo. It was my ex husband. Guess he's single now for his 3rd time in 3 years.

I've made up my mind and decided not to be age bias, I am now open to dating men under my 26 yr old cuttoff. I could be missing out on a fantastic relationship and not even know it. I spoke with a 36 yr old woman tonight at a friend's party and she is currently dating a 26 yr old. She said something that made me rethink the age thing. So I now open the doors to the younger men. Flock on in!

OK Drew is crazy. It's official. He tried to contact me on yahoo earlier this afternoon and then he sent me 3 emails today. Two more emails after I gave in and replied to an earlier one today telling him that yes I was upset with him for deceiving me and that I was done with a friendship or any sort of relationship. His 3rd email to me was through the dating site in which he had created a new profile and what's this.....he lied about his age?!?! *shocked* Ok so not only did he lie about what he looked like but he lied about his age! His following email messages were quite disturbing. he was pleading for me to not give up on him and that he could be the man I desire. He also said he feels he deserves a second chance. I think scariest part was when he said "I'm not ready to let go of you. I don't want to lose you".

It was all so pathetic and sad really. Sad that he is pleading to me like we had some sort of long history together. We spoke for 2 days! I made no commitment to him nor did I give him hope that we would be a couple. I told him one day and a time we would build our friendship.

On a complete other note I received an IM from Casey. Casey was a one night stand that happened about 3 years ago. He contacts me every few months on yahoo and of course he beats around the bush about hooking up again. And today's conversation was no different. The only thing that was kinda nice hearing from him was when I mentioned I was losing weight and had dropped 23 pounds he asked why was I dropping weight. He said he remembered me being cute! *sigh* Casey, Casey, Casey. He was so hot! I'll never forget him. It's too bad that he is a ladies man.

That was short lived. It turns out today after writing me a poem he emailed me, he admitted he had not been honest in posting an actual face shot of him. The photo he posted was of a friend that he had permission to use. I am hurt and deceived. Most importantly I feel stupid. So stupid for letting down my guard when I shouldn't have. I'm so stupid! I am really hating this entire online dating thing. I am so close to just deleting all my profiles and saying screw it all! The crazy thing is he is a therapist. A fricken therapist!!! What kind of therapist thinks this is ok?!?

He's gonna do it to me. Drew is going to make me fall for him. He's not only tall, handsome with a gorgeous smile but he loves kids (works with them too), is a hopeless romantic, intelligent, wants a family and likes hanging out with family as well, loves the beach and wants to live by one some day.

He wrote me a very long and thoughtful message tonight and everything he said in it just attracts me more to him. I don't want to get my hopes high. I really really don't.

From previous online dating, I have learned to keep my guard up and to believe that all men will say what they think I want to hear. They can be anyone and anything.

I want to let down my guard about Drew. We briefly spoke in IM this evening since it is midnight his time now but he did ask me if it bothered him if he spoke to other women on the site. I have no right to say it bothers me so of course I told him no. But I admit with him asking that, a percentage of belief that he could be someone really special in my life has gone down a bit. I want to believe he is sincere about getting to know me. Uggggh!

I debated whether or not to post this. Perhaps I should wait until more comes out of this. I had a 7 hour long conversation via IM with a wonderful man tonight. We seem to have alot in common and it looks like we're quite compatible. I don't like to get my hopes up high. I really hate that. I hate being let down. The minute I start fantasizing about a guy being my new boyfriend, my dream is over before it really begins. So I don't want to get my hopes up.

For once I am the more hesitant one. He has left the ball in my court. we talked about having the door open on a relationship. He assured me the door was open and that it was my decision as to if I wanted to walk through the door and greet him on the other side. He's a hopeless romantic. He loves sappy songs and romance movies.

If he truly is the same person in person I spoke with tonight, I can easily see myself falling for him. He is everything I've been searching for these past 3 yrs. I think that scares me. He is almost EXACTLY the man I have been seeking.

One issue is he lives in another state so we would have a long distance relationship until something was figured out. That could also be a huge road block.

I am leaving this in God's hands. 100% in his hands because I don't know how any of this will work out.

Wow, sorry it has been so long since I updated my blog. The problem is I am now keeping a public blog here on Vox. I wish I could share that information with you but since I have photos of me and a pretty good size fan base now following my every move on it, I simply can't.

Here's a quick update on my weight loss. I have lost 20 pounds in 3 months. I'm feeling more confident, prettier and sexier. I am still totally single with no bites. Oh unless you want to count the few pathetic messages I have received on myspace from a 20 yr old and a 22 yr old. The 20 yr old said "I would love to have sex with you one day" and today I received a message from a 22 yr old asking if we could be sex buddies. Dorks!

Anyhow, I am doing well. Graduated from college and am now seeking full time employment while working only 1 day a week in my former intern office.

My sister is officially driving me nuts. She's now been living with me for 3 months and I really don't know how much more I can take this. She continuously leaves dirty dishes from her "dinner" making in the sink overnight and sometimes they sit there for 2-3 days. She yells at her son all the time so I am constantly closing my bedroom door to escape her madness. I am a prisoner in my own home. I can't afford my mortgage alone but if things don't shape up, I am going to have to kick her out and find a decent roommate.

Still waiting on prince charming to sweep me off my feet and waiting to fall madly in love with him.

Gamer geek and I have not really spoken much since that last conversation. he is on his yahoo 24/7 and I assume that dork is just playing WoW 24/7 as well. All this talk about "I need to get a job" is just that, talk. It seriously is no wonder why his girlfriend of 4 yrs broke things off with him. He is unmotivated to do something with his life.

DE still insists that we will have wild sex once I hit my goal weight. At his expense. he is willing to fly me out and treat me like a queen. He also shared with me over the weekend how he went to a strip joint and there was a stripper that reminded him of me. "You should take that as a compliment that I paid the thicker stripper in the joint with the smaller boobs because she reminded me of you. I seriously think I have a soft spot for thick latinas".

2 weeks later and I finally speak to Chris about the entire booty call situation. I was honest how I felt towards him. I told him I felt completely rejected and he assured me he did not reject me. For simplicity sake, my conversation is the black and his is the blue.

Whyfore has you disappeared from the realm of my existence?
i dunno
embarassed i guess
Oiy!
No embarrassment!
 well you totally rejected me
Baaahhh
Did not.
yea, ya did
No I didn't, I still maintain I was about to have sex with you that last night, but you unfortunately took the herpes joke literally and personally, and things went south
well you were more than hesitant and the herpes joke became like your last blow to ensure I would leave it alone
so naturally I felt completely rejected by you, the one who I said I felt safe with
Well, I'm sorry for that.  I do feel badly about how things turned out.  I don't really want the friendship to be weird because I didn't sleep with you.  ::frowns:: I was honest with you before I came to Cali and said I couldn't guarantee anything.
well it's weird
i can't tell you how much I thought about it afterwards
my self esteem was totally shot
yes you did say you wouldn't know how things would be but then the last few conversations you had completely flipped and seemed to be more certain it would happen
worse than a woman!
Yeah, I'm a bit wonky.
Well I didn't know you had invested so much into sleeping with me that it would kill your self esteem.  I know you won't either believe me or understand that the reason I didn't sleep with you, really had nothing to do with anything I did or didn't like about you.
just imagine how you would feel if the tables were turned
Well.. you weren't the only one looking forward to it.
if I sat there masturbating to you over the phone, and talking sexy to you on the chat and then we meet and you attempted a move and I told you " I'm just not horny"
And I actually WAS just about to call ya over to my bed, heck I had been stroking myself for like 10 minutes before I made the herpes joke.  Which..apparently my penis is sensitive to the mood in a room, cause he went totally dead as soon as I picked up your reaction.
well it wasn't funny if that was your intent
it was a total mood killer and made me mad at you
It was meant to be funny.
Every now and then, I do say something dumb.
with the intentions of offending someone?
Considering how often we talked, I'm allowed one dumb thing now and then. it's just unfortunate it
How would I know you'd take my making a joke about herpes, a joke I've made with other people, as me calling you a slut.
Heck I've accused my brother in law of giving me herpes.
Hardly think he's a slut. ><
because usually a joke is partial truth
 ...
Considering you can get herpes from a towel..
I don't see someone being a slut because they have it
I swear, I didn't reject YOU. I know you'll feel that I did, but I swear I didn't.
i do not know how to accept what you say is true
I just beat myself up. I'm too fat, too ugly, too annoying, not smart enough
Oiy. happened right before nooky.
(my friend) came and tried to cheer me up and yes he did try to hit on me
and I just ignored his efforts and a day or two later I wondered if that was the same situation with us
Okay.
i never see (my friend) romantically and I would not sleep with him
Let me ask you something.
Let's say the situation was switched.
If you went into a "booty call" with a good friend who you've had for a couple of years, and you were flip flopping all over the place before anything happened.  Would you expect that friend to place so much importance on that booty call that they'd kill their self esteem because it didn't happen?
Cause I didn't realize this was important enough to you that if it didn't happen, that you'd be this down on yourself, especially considering that you didn't get rejected.
We're friends before we're a booty call, and I have been nothing but honest with you.
you'll never see it as rejecting me because you don't want to feel any blame for it
Yes, I wanted to sleep with you before I went, and yes, I wanted to sleep with you while I was there, but for some reason, I just wasn't comfortable with the situation until that last night, then I made that stupid joke that you took far more personally than I thought you would.
i'm a woman Chris, its only natural for me overanalyze why things didn't happen
I overanalyze too.
and unfortunately it starts with me feeling I am inadequate
i wasn't comfortable the first night
and chances are if things would have progressed I probably would have gotten over it and embarrassed just being with you
so that last night I knew it was the last attempt
and you were a hard nut to crack and with you being so hesitant, I was already feeling rejected even as I was trying to coax you into the situation
oops embraced not embarrassed
Well my mistake is that I didn't consider that you might take the situation as seriously as it was taken.  I looked at it due to the previous conversations as just a booty call that may or may not happen with two friends, and if it didn't, we'd be all good.
I'm sure it was pretty obvious days before that it was going to happen more so than not
it's not so much the point that I was expecting it to happen
it's the fact that I attempted, heck I would have physically tried to arouse you but I was seriously afraid you would physically push me away
which would have been even more embarrassing
Well that last night I would have, I was just trying to think of a way to say, get your butt over.  Which, in hindsight, I should have just said, get your butt over here.
well clearly you fail!
all you had to do was say ok!
I know.
i was just trying to think of an appropriately witty and cute way to do it
instead you prevail at killing the mood!

Not much else to say or do now so I am not sure where to go from here. I don't want to lose his friendship but I never even got to what had happened on Sunday. In which he ditched our plans to hang out to be with his family.

I just finished a 2 weekend long class that I took to be certified to perform sealants. I was dreading that class since I heard we were required to take it. We had to find patients to volunteer to get sealants done by us which was a pain. Then, the instructor tells us last week they need a prescription. So neither of my patients even have a dentist so I had to ask if the dentist I work for would examine them for sealants. She said yes and that it was no problem. So I had to run around getting their xrays from my school to bring to the dentist and then tried to get my patients in to see her at a time where she wouldn't be too busy. It all worked out but just was a pain in the ass.

Now I just need to take my written and practical board exams. I also need to be finger printed for my boards so I need to take care of that this week.

Weight loss has been ok this week. I think I am down 3 pounds from last week. I'll do my official weigh in, in a few.

I'm still a Youtube addict. Last night I discovered this show and proceeded to watch all 7 episodes in a few hours time. It's called "Starved". It's about 4 friends who met in a self help class for eating disorders and they each have a different disorder. Apparently it is now been canceled.Too bad too because it had real potential.